There we were, a few friends sitting together, shooting the breeze, and watching a movie on a premium cable channel when friend #2 silently excused himself. A good ten minutes passed before he emerged from the room down the hall immediately engaging in a hushed dialogue with my dad. The off-duty Italian-American Man Servant shook his head and headed towards the garage. The now on-duty IAMS returned momentarily with the always reliable toilet auger and accompanied a red-faced friend #2 into the breach.
We have all lived through embarrassing moments that never seemed to end, myself especially. I have already discussed The Piss Chaps Incident on this site. But the gaffes don’t end there. Who could ever forget the day that I blew out the crotch of my favorite pair of 501s when I attempted to replicate a David Lee Roth scissor-kick? Or how about the time I spilled an entire 64-ounce Coca-Cola on a co-worker in the first inning of a company sponsored Giants game? I will never forget that night in college when I had the most vivid dream that I was taking the most real feeling piss ever only to wake up thirty seconds later completely soaked in urine. The most difficult part was figuring out a good way to tell my girlfriend who was sleeping next to me that I needed her help with changing the soiled sheets.
But probably the most embarrassing moment of my life occurred during a wedding that my band was playing. Our guitarist tried to teach me how to play the Chicken Dance during a set break (For the record, I had never even heard the song before). As fate would have it, the sheet music I was using had a measure missing so when we played it a half-hour later, the song sounded like absolute crap. For the rest of the reception, folks avoided the dance floor as if it was made of lava. I never played that song again.
Now that I’ve shared some of my more memorable mishaps with you, I would love to hear some of yours.
The Adventures of ALS Boy 
Leaving a public art space in an office building on a mildly chilly day, the man I hadn’t yet fallen in love with was nagging me to put my sweater on before going outside. Already in the revolving door, I turned to give him my sweet finger but found myself facing a surprised guy in a suit, with my casual buddy a few steps behind. Oops! Funny to us, but not as funny as your stories! Our former mayor David Dinkins recently got caught doing the same bad behavior, in a pink seersucker jacket no less.
Okay, Junior Year at El Camino High School (1974) and the end of school bell rings. My cute boyfriend at the time came to pick me up and together we walked down the many stairs to the cool senior parking lot…. but about 3 stairs down, I tripped and tumbled the rest of the way—amidst a crowd of escaping students…. horrendous.
Lots of beer + In Cahoots country bar in Sac + sliding glass door + (did I mention lots of beer?) = well, you can picture it. Not pretty. P.S. When you’re picturing it, don’t forget the line of 50+ people on the other side of the sliding glass door who saw the whole thing go down.
I was at a friend’s wedding, having a great time. Between the brews and tequila shots, I was clearly 2 1/2 sheets to the wind. Approached a group of friends and simultaneously needed to evacuate some major gas from my bowels. My booze addled mind failed to recognize that the speed at which the gas was being emitted was not keeping pace with my stride. So as I stopped, gave my friends a big smile and opened my mouth to join the conversation, the stench hits me and unfortunately, everyone else standing there. I just remember the look of horror on my friend’s girlfriend’s face, and my other buddy crinkles his entire face, waves his hand in front of his face and says “oh God that is horrific”. So they all bid a hasty retreat and there I am standing by myself in the middle of a gas bomb.
Frankly, if it was just guy friends, it wouldn’t have been embarrassing at all, maybe even a pretty good one, but again, with girls in the crowd, truly cringe inducing.
Hmmmmmm. I guess I don’t need to post something here, do I? 😉
J,
You will need to have Mike tell you the story of the” I gots to go poops” story from way back when. I think he was with Holly at the time. He tells it best though, and while he is at it, he also would need to tell you about the first time I spent the night at his place and the putrid smell in his room…After a night of heavy drinking, no one was sure who it belonged to… but all questions were answered eventually!
Take Care,
Tracy