TMI

A brief list of a few things you probably didn’t want to know about me:

Drooling. These days, I drool more than a teething infant. It’s as if somebody turned on a faucet in my mouth whenever I lean my head forward. When Emma sees it happen she says “Uh oh” and grabs a napkin to clean me up.

Yawns. First, my mouth opens wide. Then, my entire upper body begins to shake as my arms criss-cross into an X across my chest. For the next two seconds, an unearthly howl emanates from the depths of my being. Finally, my jaw snaps shut with an audible “pop” as the river of drool slowly oozes down my chin.

Sneezes. As the summer turns into fall and winter, my already violent and painful sneezes become even more of a spectator sport with fist-sized snot bubbles coming out of my nostrils. I hope you have a tissue or five.

Flatulence. Once a proud first-chair trumpet player, I have been reduced to humming a few measly notes on the lowly recorder.

Constipation. Panic sets in after three days of inactivity. Thankfully, those episodes have been few and far between.

In the Shower. Whenever warm water hits the right side of my body, the heel of my right foot begins to rise from the ground. As the Borg said, “Resistance is futile.”

Orifice Grooming. Never in all my years have my ears and nostrils been so clean. The secret to my success: A never-ending supply of Q-Tips and an OCD groomer with a never give up attitude.

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